Thursday, March 08, 2007
2day's a terrible day... damn terrible... damn sad... nv ever felt tis way b4...
cheryl cried halfway thru de practice... tink is cos of de intense pressure caused by de auditions... damn sad... n when we went down 4 de auditions, i was totally nervous... im nt myself... i duno wat 2 do...
when it was my turn, my heartbeat was nearly 140/s... i slowly pushed de door, walked in, n sat down... lookin @ mr lim n mr chua, im totally lost... mr chua told me 2 play bar 118 of texians... i fliped thru pages n pages of de score but couldn't find it... damn scared... my hands were shivering... finally, when i found de page, i took up my viola n started playin... i missed de 1st note... GONE was everything i could tink of...
i kept on playin still... missing lotsa notes... esp third position de notes... i was oly playin till bar 124 when dey told me 2 stop... argh... i flunked my auditions... anyway, dey told me 2 play bar 29 of chorale... i played, wif some notes outta tune... n until D3 sharp, i missed it all... totally din get de tune... jus out... n i shivered... movin de bow by too much... din manage 2 finish de whole 10 beat of de note n dey told me 2 stop...
gone nw... reallie gone... i walked out... feelin damn sad... was gg 2 cry... budden i din... i ran 2 huijun n jiayu n joyce... swallowin my tears as i ran... reallie damn sad... im nt myself... ive nv played till liddat b4... missed so much... din have any confidence anymore... 1st time in my life... i lost all my confidence... dun even have 1 to de power of -x%... just zero... i wan myself back... we walked up slowly... feelin damn dissapointed... was tryin 2 calm myself down budden i failed...
i sat down... utterly dissapointed bout my performance... thot of everythin tat happened...
den, it was time 2 announce those hu gt in... i din... damn sad... even my junior is betta den me... reallie duno wat 2 feel... joyce cried... althou she gt in... huijun nearly cried... althou i duno if she cried anot... budden de 3 of us hu din get in, we din cry... at least nt in front of everybody... jiayu tried 2 make us feel betta by tellin us tat thr's a 2nd audition... sam oso... budden the fact is tat we failed... n even if we get in thru de nxt auditions, we will lose all our confidence... n de feelin inside our heart will be diff...
walked 2 de bus stop frm sch... jieying kip tokin bout de auditions... made me reallie wana cry... jus scared tat i will breakdown in front of everybody.. i held back my tears... n reallie held it back till i reached home... i locked myself inside my room... tinkin bout de times all 7 of us were practising tgt... all de time n effort we spent 4 syf... the times we gt scolded tgt... de times we received compliments tgt... when someone in de grp cry or feel low, we would comfort each other n gif each other motivation 2 work harder...
nw tat im nt in de grp anymore, thr might nt be other chances 2 do tings tgt... i will nt be gg 4 so many practices.. n we will c less of each other... i will no longer be in de full ochestra... will be lyk a new junior... oly cumin 4 practices on thurs... doin nth... no longer practising... no longer working hard tgt 4 syf anymore...
i will reallie miss de times tgt... de times in SO... de ppl thr... de tings we do...
nw tat im out... i reallie duno wat 2 do.... wat i wana do... i lost my aim in life... lost my goals 4 de future... lost de motivation... lost my confidence... n reallie duno wat 2 do... dun even noe if ive made de rite choice joinin de viola exams... i nid sumone 2guide me thru tis lost journey... but i duno hu... guess nobody will understand hw i reallie feel...
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7:07 PM
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